Aohell

STATE OF THE UNION TRANSLATION

Bush's stuff is in italics. My stuff isn't. Scroll carefully and enjoy.

In a system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of goodwill and respect for one another -- and I will do my part. Tonight the state of our Union is strong -- and together we will make it stronger. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: I pray every day people don't realize the two-party system as it stands deprives people of a real voice. I pray even harder an armed rebellion doesn't break out, because me and my family would be the first to go to the firing squad.

In this decisive year, you and I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our country. We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom -- or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life. We will choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy -- or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity. In a complex and challenging time, the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting -- yet it ends in danger and decline. The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by our leadership -- so the United States of America will continue to lead. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: We are going to conquer the world and take all the oil for ourselves. Don't get in our way, or we will cut you.

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal -- we seek the end of tyranny in our world. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. In reality, the future security of America depends on it. On September the 11th, 2001, we found that problems originating in a failed and oppressive state 7,000 miles away could bring murder and destruction to our country. Dictatorships shelter terrorists, and feed resentment and radicalism, and seek weapons of mass destruction. Democracies replace resentment with hope, respect the rights of their citizens and their neighbors, and join the fight against terror. Every step toward freedom in the world makes our country safer -- so we will act boldly in freedom's cause. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: This is misguided idealism, but I have to sound positive, or you won't be suckered into the neo-conservative goal of conquering the oil-producing regions of the world and installing puppet governments. To all the dictatorships we currently support, fear not. This speech is for domestic consumption only. We plan to try and kill every terrorist your oppressive regimes create so long as you keep the natural resources flowing to our ever-consuming nation.

Far from being a hopeless dream, the advance of freedom is the great story of our time. In 1945, there were about two dozen lonely democracies in the world. Today, there are 122. And we're writing a new chapter in the story of self-government -- with women lining up to vote in Afghanistan, and millions of Iraqis marking their liberty with purple ink, and men and women from Lebanon to Egypt debating the rights of individuals and the necessity of freedom. At the start of 2006, more than half the people of our world live in democratic nations. And we do not forget the other half -- in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea, and Iran -- because the demands of justice, and the peace of this world, require their freedom, as well. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: There are 122 democracies, but most of them are horribly corrupt and ramshackle. The ones that aren't scare me deeply, particularly the democracy that produced Hamas as the Palestinian leadership. Afghan women are still oppressed by our standards and millions of Iraqis plan to deprive millions others of their ability to be an effective political force. I put Iran on the list of undemocratic nations because, even though they're a democracy, I don't like them.

I WILL NOT PUT CHINA OR SAUDI ARABIA ON THE LIST OF UNDEMOCRATIC NATIONS. So help me, if China wanted, they could make our dollar their plaything faster than you can say, "prison sex". And if the King of Saudi Arabia called me up and said to appear on national television with underwear on my head, I'd have all three networks carrying live footage of me with cotton jockeys on my noggin within half an hour. The demands of my deficit spending programs and our voracious consumption of oil require I keep my mouth shut on how their peoples require their freedom, as well. (Dead, stunned silence.)

No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it. And one of the main sources of reaction and opposition is radical Islam -- the perversion by a few of a noble faith into an ideology of terror and death. Terrorists like bin Laden are serious about mass murder -- and all of us must take their declared intentions seriously. They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout the Middle East, and arm themselves with weapons of mass murder.

TRANSLATION: Islam is the new Communism. Except for the radical Islam in Saudi Arabia. If the King of Saudi Arabia told me to carry a donkey across the Potomac, I'd have a snorkel, donkey, and naval escort whipped together faster that you can say "Sport-Utility Vehicle". Lord, I hope the Saudis aren't buying nuclear weapons from starving Russian military personnel. That would be so embarrassing.

Their aim is to seize power in Iraq, and use it as a safe haven to launch attacks against America and the world. Lacking the military strength to challenge us directly, the terrorists have chosen the weapon of fear. When they murder children at a school in Beslan, or blow up commuters in London, or behead a bound captive, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. But they have miscalculated: We love our freedom, and we will fight to keep it. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Maybe if I mention Beslan, the Russians will help me get the UN to order an invasion of Iran. Then again, we're trying to screw them out of oil and gas money by having the Kazakstan reserves get pumped through Afghanistan or across the Caspian to Azerbaijan and Georgia. Azerbaijan. Damn. There's another hellacious dictatorship we've got to support. We love our SUVs, and we will keep third world nations oppressed to keep them. (Grumbles of discontent.)

In a time of testing, we cannot find security by abandoning our commitments and retreating within our borders. If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone. They would simply move the battlefield to our own shores. There is no peace in retreat. And there is no honor in retreat. By allowing radical Islam to work its will -- by leaving an assaulted world to fend for itself -- we would signal to all that we no longer believe in our own ideals, or even in our own courage. But our enemies and our friends can be certain: The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: This is my justification for invading the oil-producing regions of the world we can't buy. And Saudi Arabia. Lord have mercy on us all if they ever stick it to us again like they did in '73. Anyway, since there aren't enough soldiers to go around, we're going to need to bring back the draft to invade Iran and maybe a few other places.

I have no idea what will replace Islam as a bogeyman after we wipe it out and bring them all to Jesus. Can't take on the Chinese. They're financing our debt. We're one exchange rate adjustment from becoming the next Paraguay. (Short selling on the stock market.)

America rejects the false comfort of isolationism. We are the nation that saved liberty in Europe, and liberated death camps, and helped raise up democracies, and faced down an evil empire. Once again, we accept the call of history to deliver the oppressed and move this world toward peace. We remain on the offensive against terror networks. We have killed or captured many of their leaders -- and for the others, their day will come.

TRANSLATION: I am referring to FDR. As in the Grand-daddy of Big Government, or "gubbmint" as we like to call it in Texas. If I make a reference to Lincoln, you know you're all going to be collectively screwed as a nation. That's been the case in every State of the Union Address since 1945.

We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan, where a fine President and a National Assembly are fighting terror while building the institutions of a new democracy. We're on the offensive in Iraq, with a clear plan for victory. First, we're helping Iraqis build an inclusive government, so that old resentments will be eased and the insurgency will be marginalized.

TRANSLATION: We remain on the offensive in Afghanistan against the terrorists. That means we cut sweet deals with the opium growers and heroin producers. They'll help us kill terrorists if we keep them safe from prosecution. In Iraq, we're scared as hell everyone figures out the current government, such as it is, is bringing back the secret police networks of Saddam Hussein. This insurgency is going to last another 5-8 years according to our predictions, by the way.

Second, we're continuing reconstruction efforts, and helping the Iraqi government to fight corruption and build a modern economy, so all Iraqis can experience the benefits of freedom. And, third, we're striking terrorist targets while we train Iraqi forces that are increasingly capable of defeating the enemy. Iraqis are showing their courage every day, and we are proud to be their allies in the cause of freedom. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Let's not mention the Kurds and Arabs getting ready to kill each other over Kirkuk. Or how the Shia in the south are leaning close to Iran and could kick the British out of that sector faster than you can say "Running-Dog Capitalist". We're only in Iraq as long as we serve the ends of the Kurds and Shia. So help us, if they turned against us, we'd have to bomb them into the stone age, and that makes for terrible television. If this Iraq thing becomes a full-blown civil war, my administration would have been responsible for creating even more bloodshed and instability in the Middle East. (Fear-filled quiet.)

Our work in Iraq is difficult because our enemy is brutal. But that brutality has not stopped the dramatic progress of a new democracy. In less than three years, the nation has gone from dictatorship to liberation, to sovereignty, to a constitution, to national elections. At the same time, our coalition has been relentless in shutting off terrorist infiltration, clearing out insurgent strongholds, and turning over territory to Iraqi security forces. I am confident in our plan for victory; I am confident in the will of the Iraqi people; I am confident in the skill and spirit of our military. Fellow citizens, we are in this fight to win, and we are winning. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Everyone's brutal in Iraq, but we're now getting the Iraqis to do all the torturing and extrajudicial killing so our troops look clean again. Like I said, 5-8 years, tops. And don't worry, only the poor people of America actually get wounded and die. (Uneasy shifting, a few hesitant claps that quickly taper off to silence.)

The road of victory is the road that will take our troops home. As we make progress on the ground, and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, we should be able to further decrease our troop levels -- but those decisions will be made by our military commanders, not by politicians in Washington, D.C. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Remember the Pentagon Papers? We're trying the same strategy and hoping that doesn't happen again. (Dark muttering from portions of the audience.)

Our coalition has learned from our experience in Iraq. We've adjusted our military tactics and changed our approach to reconstruction. Along the way, we have benefitted from responsible criticism and counsel offered by members of Congress of both parties. In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice. Yet, there is a difference between responsible criticism that aims for success, and defeatism that refuses to acknowledge anything but failure. (Applause.) Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: OK, so we screwed up. Shut up already. (Someone in the audience cries an obscene phrase.) Yeah, well [OBSCENE VERB] YOURSELF, TOO, BUDDY! And I know my VP Dick Cheney won't mind me paraphrasing him. (Obscene gesture at the audience, met by increasing murmuring.)

With so much in the balance, those of us in public office have a duty to speak with candor. A sudden withdrawal of our forces from Iraq would abandon our Iraqi allies to death and prison, would put men like bin Laden and Zarqawi in charge of a strategic country, and show that a pledge from America means little. Members of Congress, however we feel about the decisions and debates of the past, our nation has only one option: We must keep our word, defeat our enemies, and stand behind the American military in this vital mission. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: You know if we bail, they'll all kill each other. A slow burn for 5-8 years is preferable to a massacre, right? Nobody has trusted America since we broke every treaty we made with the Native Americans, but we do have to show the world that when we show up to chew bubble gum and kick some ass, we mean it. So shut up and stand with me, or we're all gonna get killed by the families of people we've needlessly killed. They're not going to give you a questionnaire to see who's side you're on when they come looking for blood. (Angry grumbling.)

Our men and women in uniform are making sacrifices -- and showing a sense of duty stronger than all fear. They know what it's like to fight house to house in a maze of streets, to wear heavy gear in the desert heat, to see a comrade killed by a roadside bomb. And those who know the costs also know the stakes. Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay was killed last month fighting in Fallujah. He left behind a letter to his family, but his words could just as well be addressed to every American. Here is what Dan wrote: "I know what honor is. ... It has been an honor to protect and serve all of you. I faced death with the secure knowledge that you would not have to.... Never falter! Don't hesitate to honor and support those of us who have the honor of protecting that which is worth protecting."

TRANSLATION: I'm so glad it's them and not me out there. I'm also so glad I can wrap realpolitik in a US flag and convince young men like this guy that they're dying for freedom when they're really dying for control of oil.

Staff Sergeant Dan Clay's wife, Lisa, and his mom and dad, Sara Jo and Bud, are with us this evening. Welcome. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: We're not inviting the families of dead soldiers who criticize the war. We're not even gonna talk to them. (Sounds of people trying to get in from outside the chamber.)

Our nation is grateful to the fallen, who live in the memory of our country. We're grateful to all who volunteer to wear our nation's uniform -- and as we honor our brave troops, let us never forget the sacrifices of America's military families. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: We're grateful, but don't expect any raises anytime soon. Or medical benefits for National Guardsmen pressed into active duty service. You're lucky we decided to finally reimburse soldiers for body armor. That stuff's useless, anyway. You sit on it to protect yourself from mines. Your helmet is for scooping up your guts. Your only friends are your fellow soldiers and you are going to die. What you do will determine if they piss on your grave or pour vodka on it. You are pawns and don't forget it. (Angry shouting from veterans who are getting the run-around from the VA.)

Our offensive against terror involves more than military action. Ultimately, the only way to defeat the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of political freedom and peaceful change. So the United States of America supports democratic reform across the broader Middle East. Elections are vital, but they are only the beginning. Raising up a democracy requires the rule of law, and protection of minorities, and strong, accountable institutions that last longer than a single vote.

TRANSLATION: We will continue illegally detaining suspected terrorists and flying them to cooperative nations who will torture them for us or let us torture them without tattling. We want elections, but not the kind that elect Hamas. Good grief, why can't these people figure out how to rig an election? It's easy. Just have a brother who's governor of Florida or use them cool Diebold machines. Too bad folks figured out they were hackable. Would have been nice to use them again in 2006.

The great people of Egypt have voted in a multi-party presidential election -- and now their government should open paths of peaceful opposition that will reduce the appeal of radicalism. The Palestinian people have voted in elections. And now the leaders of Hamas must recognize Israel, disarm, reject terrorism, and work for lasting peace. (Applause.) Saudi Arabia has taken the first steps of reform -- now it can offer its people a better future by pressing forward with those efforts. Democracies in the Middle East will not look like our own, because they will reflect the traditions of their own citizens. Yet liberty is the future of every nation in the Middle East, because liberty is the right and hope of all humanity. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Suck it, Hamas. You're going down. We're bringing back the draft and we're gonna drive you guys into the sea. (Confused noise.) I'll mention Saudi Arabia in a nice way, but not get into too many details. That's crazy. But I will cover my ass by saying those Middle East democracies will not look like our own. That way, they can get away with all kinds of crazy stuff, like we used to let the Taliban do before they decided to quit negotiating the pipeline deal. (Disgusted silence.)

The same is true of Iran, a nation now held hostage by a small clerical elite that is isolating and repressing its people. The regime in that country sponsors terrorists in the Palestinian territories and in Lebanon -- and that must come to an end. (Applause.) The Iranian government is defying the world with its nuclear ambitions, and the nations of the world must not permit the Iranian regime to gain nuclear weapons. (Applause.) America will continue to rally the world to confront these threats.

TRANSLATION: So help me, I hope they don't already have nukes, or we're gonna have a lot of soldiers get killed when we go into Iran in a few months. (Sporadic angry shouting.) We'll nuke their asses right back, though, so at least we wouldn't have to deal with a bloody occupation. But all that oil... damn. (More profuse angry shouting.)

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran: America respects you, and we respect your country. We respect your right to choose your own future and win your own freedom. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: You're next. This is what we said to Iraq before we went in. Get ready, 'cause you're next. (Outraged demands of "Impeach him!")

To overcome dangers in our world, we must also take the offensive by encouraging economic progress, and fighting disease, and spreading hope in hopeless lands. Isolationism would not only tie our hands in fighting enemies, it would keep us from helping our friends in desperate need. We show compassion abroad because Americans believe in the God-given dignity and worth of a villager with HIV/AIDS, or an infant with malaria, or a refugee fleeing genocide, or a young girl sold into slavery. We also show compassion abroad because regions overwhelmed by poverty, corruption, and despair are sources of terrorism, and organized crime, and human trafficking, and the drug trade.

TRANSLATION: OK, disease scares the hell out of me. Diseases can kill rich people. That's just wrong. We have to get rid of those. Drugs have to go, unless the drug dealers are helping us get rid of the terrorists so we can take over the world's oil supplies. Gotta take the bad with the good.

In recent years, you and I have taken unprecedented action to fight AIDS and malaria, expand the education of girls, and reward developing nations that are moving forward with economic and political reform. For people everywhere, the United States is a partner for a better life. Short-changing these efforts would increase the suffering and chaos of our world, undercut our long-term security, and dull the conscience of our country. I urge members of Congress to serve the interests of America by showing the compassion of America.

TRANSLATION: Get ready to provide more foreign aid. Sure, the dictators we support are going to buy weapons instead of vaccines, but we don't have to mention that just right now, do we?

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home. The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us. Fortunately, this nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military, and homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives, protecting us all, and they deserve our support and our thanks. (Applause.) They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime -- so I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Quit dissing the TSA. They're here to stay. They make us look safe, even though they don't make a hell of a lot of difference in actual security. (Groans.) I want to be able to do all kinds of things without worrying about civil rights, so reauthorize the Patriot Act. Or I'll have you on a plane to a CIA prison in Romania. (Wild, enthusiastic applause.)

It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy. We now know that two of the hijackers in the United States placed telephone calls to al Qaeda operatives overseas. But we did not know about their plans until it was too late. So to prevent another attack -- based on authority given to me by the Constitution and by statute -- I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al Qaeda operatives and affiliates to and from America. Previous Presidents have used the same constitutional authority I have, and federal courts have approved the use of that authority. Appropriate members of Congress have been kept informed. The terrorist surveillance program has helped prevent terrorist attacks. It remains essential to the security of America. If there are people inside our country who are talking with al Qaeda, we want to know about it, because we will not sit back and wait to be hit again. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: It's all your fault for whining about civil rights that the WTC went down. Freedom is slavery, just like Orwell said. Clap now, you lackeys! (Applause.)

In all these areas -- from the disruption of terror networks, to victory in Iraq, to the spread of freedom and hope in troubled regions -- we need the support of our friends and allies. To draw that support, we must always be clear in our principles and willing to act. The only alternative to American leadership is a dramatically more dangerous and anxious world. Yet we also choose to lead because it is a privilege to serve the values that gave us birth. American leaders -- from Roosevelt to Truman to Kennedy to Reagan -- rejected isolation and retreat, because they knew that America is always more secure when freedom is on the march.

TRANSLATION: Not yet referring to Lincoln. I'm warming up, though. Anyway, war is peace. That's the second thing Orwell got right.

Our own generation is in a long war against a determined enemy -- a war that will be fought by Presidents of both parties, who will need steady bipartisan support from the Congress. And tonight I ask for yours. Together, let us protect our country, support the men and women who defend us, and lead this world toward freedom. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Yes, I know Hilary Clinton will win in 2008, but I'm certain she's as much of a warmonger as I am. Ignorance is strength. That's the hat trick for Orwell. Two minutes' hate, now. (Applause.)

Here at home, America also has a great opportunity: We will build the prosperity of our country by strengthening our economic leadership in the world.

TRANSLATION: We're screwed if we can't sell our debt. Interest rates are going to have to go higher.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous, and growing faster than other major industrialized nations. In the last two-and-a-half years, America has created 4.6 million new jobs -- more than Japan and the European Union combined. (Applause.) Even in the face of higher energy prices and natural disasters, the American people have turned in an economic performance that is the envy of the world.

TRANSLATION: We're in hock up to our eyeballs. We can't keep this up forever, but maybe the crash won't happen until after Hilary's sworn into office in 2009. I'll be good and gone by then. (Hesitant applause.) Guards! (Weapons getting ready.) (Obviously forced enthusiastic applause.)

The American economy is preeminent, but we cannot afford to be complacent. In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors, like China and India, and this creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people's fears. So we're seeing some old temptations return. Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy. Others say that the government needs to take a larger role in directing the economy, centralizing more power in Washington and increasing taxes. We hear claims that immigrants are somehow bad for the economy -- even though this economy could not function without them. (Applause.) All these are forms of economic retreat, and they lead in the same direction -- toward a stagnant and second-rate economy.

TRANSLATION: China and India are why we have to grab the oil first. And we need immigrants as a source of cheap labor or we're screwed. That's the only reason I'm in favor of them. You already know my stand on civil liberties. Heh. (Sounds of people outside screaming, some indications of a struggle.)

Tonight I will set out a better path: an agenda for a nation that competes with confidence; an agenda that will raise standards of living and generate new jobs. Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it.

TRANSLATION: Here it comes.

Keeping America competitive begins with keeping our economy growing. And our economy grows when Americans have more of their own money to spend, save, and invest. In the last five years, the tax relief you passed has left $880 billion in the hands of American workers, investors, small businesses, and families -- and they have used it to help produce more than four years of uninterrupted economic growth. (Applause.) Yet the tax relief is set to expire in the next few years. If we do nothing, American families will face a massive tax increase they do not expect and will not welcome. Because America needs more than a temporary expansion, we need more than temporary tax relief. I urge the Congress to act responsibly, and make the tax cuts permanent. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: If you don't pass the tax cut, you're going to get lynched. (Golf claps.)

Keeping America competitive requires us to be good stewards of tax dollars. Every year of my presidency, we've reduced the growth of non-security discretionary spending, and last year you passed bills that cut this spending. This year my budget will cut it again, and reduce or eliminate more than 140 programs that are performing poorly or not fulfilling essential priorities. By passing these reforms, we will save the American taxpayer another $14 billion next year, and stay on track to cut the deficit in half by 2009. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: I am lying. All the discretionary spending took off like a rocket, but I've cooked the books for you all. And if we don't cut the deficit by 2009, we won't be able to stay in business as a nation. Them's the breaks. Remember what happened to Mexico and their peso crisis? Well, act confident or it's gonna happen to us. You know how investors get spooked! (Applause.)

I am pleased that members of Congress are working on earmark reform, because the federal budget has too many special interest projects. (Applause.) And we can tackle this problem together, if you pass the line-item veto. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Pork away! But give me the line-item veto so I can starve the Democrats' pork and have only Republicans get elected. (Applause from the Republican side only.)

We must also confront the larger challenge of mandatory spending, or entitlements. This year, the first of about 78 million baby boomers turn 60, including two of my Dad's favorite people -- me and President Clinton. (Laughter.) This milestone is more than a personal crisis -- (laughter) -- it is a national challenge. The retirement of the baby boom generation will put unprecedented strains on the federal government. By 2030, spending for Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid alone will be almost 60 percent of the entire federal budget. And that will present future Congresses with impossible choices -- staggering tax increases, immense deficits, or deep cuts in every category of spending. Congress did not act last year on my proposal to save Social Security -- (applause) -- yet the rising cost of entitlements is a problem that is not going away. (Applause.) And every year we fail to act, the situation gets worse.

TRANSLATION: Come on, we're all rich people in charge, so why should we have to give all that money to the poor? I'm sure there's some way we can cancel welfare and divert that pile of loot to ourselves. (Laughter, then applause.) Otherwise, we'll go bankrupt because of laws passed by that sonofabitch Roosevelt. (Shock.)

So tonight, I ask you to join me in creating a commission to examine the full impact of baby boom retirements on Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. This commission should include members of Congress of both parties, and offer bipartisan solutions. We need to put aside partisan politics and work together and get this problem solved. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Figure out a way we can get ourselves out of this mess without having to also get out of Iraq and cancel the invasion of Iran. (Uneasy muttering.) Guards! (Spineless, fawning applause.)

Keeping America competitive requires us to open more markets for all that Americans make and grow. One out of every five factory jobs in America is related to global trade, and we want people everywhere to buy American. With open markets and a level playing field, no one can out-produce or out-compete the American worker. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: With luck, our oligopolies can crush foreign competition. We'll claim it's fair trade, but you all know there are some big checks from lobbyists coming your way if you can make this happen. (Applause.)

Keeping America competitive requires an immigration system that upholds our laws, reflects our values, and serves the interests of our economy. Our nation needs orderly and secure borders. (Applause.) To meet this goal, we must have stronger immigration enforcement and border protection. (Applause.) And we must have a rational, humane guest worker program that rejects amnesty, allows temporary jobs for people who seek them legally, and reduces smuggling and crime at the border. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Let's shoot all the bad immigrants and have the others pick lettuce and program on the cheap. Man, that tunnel from Mexico into California really freaks me out. (Mutters of agreement.)

Keeping America competitive requires affordable health care. (Applause.) Our government has a responsibility to provide health care for the poor and the elderly, and we are meeting that responsibility. (Applause.) For all Americans -- for all Americans, we must confront the rising cost of care, strengthen the doctor-patient relationship, and help people afford the insurance coverage they need. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: I know Republicans shot down Hilary's health care plan a few years ago, but she's coming in 2008, so I figured I'd take the credit for it by getting it passed myself. Steal her thunder. Ha ha ha. (Applause from the Republican side only.) (Dirty looks from Senator Clinton.)

We will make wider use of electronic records and other health information technology, to help control costs and reduce dangerous medical errors. We will strengthen health savings accounts -- making sure individuals and small business employees can buy insurance with the same advantages that people working for big businesses now get. (Applause.) We will do more to make this coverage portable, so workers can switch jobs without having to worry about losing their health insurance. (Applause.) And because lawsuits are driving many good doctors out of practice -- leaving women in nearly 1,500 American counties without a single OB/GYN -- I ask the Congress to pass medical liability reform this year. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Expect more junk mail. Lots of it. And my doctor friends want me to throw them a bone. If we let the lawyers sue the fast food companies, maybe they'll cut the doctors some slack. (Hesitant applause.)

Keeping America competitive requires affordable energy. And here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. The best way to break this addiction is through technology. Since 2001, we have spent nearly $10 billion to develop cleaner, cheaper, and more reliable alternative energy sources -- and we are on the threshold of incredible advances.

TRANSLATION: We're not going to conserve. That's what got Carter kicked out of office, talk like that. No, we're going to divert $10 billion to my buddies in the energy industry to figure out that there really isn't any fuel as efficient as gasoline, which is really scary when you think about it.

So tonight, I announce the Advanced Energy Initiative -- a 22-percent increase in clean-energy research -- at the Department of Energy, to push for breakthroughs in two vital areas. To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: It's a done deal. $10 billion from the back pockets of American taxpayers and into the bank accounts of people too rich to pay any real taxes. (Applause from all of Bush's oil buddies.)

We must also change how we power our automobiles. We will increase our research in better batteries for hybrid and electric cars, and in pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen. We'll also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn, but from wood chips and stalks, or switch grass. Our goal is to make this new kind of ethanol practical and competitive within six years. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: All this stuff can really mess up the environment once you get beyond consuming waste materials, which is only enough to meet a fraction of our energy demands. Hell, we burn almost 9 million barrels of gasoline every DAY. That's way the hell more than any other nation on the earth, even when adjusted for population discrepancies. But we're gonna go with the ethanol so all the Big Oil companies can get even bigger farm subsidy checks. (More applause from all of Bush's oil buddies.)

Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. (Applause.) By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Dream on. We're still gay for Saudi oil. What do you think all these damn wars are for, anyway? Why would we be occupying Iraq if it wasn't all about the oil? (Silence.)

And to keep America competitive, one commitment is necessary above all: We must continue to lead the world in human talent and creativity. Our greatest advantage in the world has always been our educated, hardworking, ambitious people -- and we're going to keep that edge. Tonight I announce an American Competitiveness Initiative, to encourage innovation throughout our economy, and to give our nation's children a firm grounding in math and science. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Ignorance is strength, just like I said. If I can bog down the public school system with enough people who should have dropped out, the deadweight will eventually make them all non-performing and the whole thing falls apart. More money for us! Yay! (Applause.)

First, I propose to double the federal commitment to the most critical basic research programs in the physical sciences over the next 10 years. This funding will support the work of America's most creative minds as they explore promising areas such as nanotechnology, supercomputing, and alternative energy sources.

TRANSLATION: OK, so we need a few geeks. This is for them.

Second, I propose to make permanent the research and development tax credit -- (applause) -- to encourage bolder private-sector initiatives in technology. With more research in both the public and private sectors, we will improve our quality of life -- and ensure that America will lead the world in opportunity and innovation for decades to come. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Tax credits... the ultimate bait and switch! Your voters are gonna love this. Your corporate campaign contributors are gonna love it even more. (Wild applause.)

Third, we need to encourage children to take more math and science, and to make sure those courses are rigorous enough to compete with other nations. We've made a good start in the early grades with the No Child Left Behind Act, which is raising standards and lifting test scores across our country. Tonight I propose to train 70,000 high school teachers to lead advanced-placement courses in math and science, bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms, and give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good, high-wage jobs. If we ensure that America's children succeed in life, they will ensure that America succeeds in the world. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: We'll throw money at schools for now, but No Child Left Behind leaves them all doomed to failure. Aren't you glad all your kids are in private school, where they don't have to mix with all the riff-raff the law says we can't let drop out of school? (Applause.)

Preparing our nation to compete in the world is a goal that all of us can share. I urge you to support the American Competitiveness Initiative, and together we will show the world what the American people can achieve.

TRANSLATION: No details on this. They're better left unsaid. You know why.

America is a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness is not measured in power or luxuries, but by who we are and how we treat one another. So we strive to be a compassionate, decent, hopeful society.

TRANSLATION: Blah blah blah. Nobody's paying attention now. I'll say some fluff just to wrap things up.

In recent years, America has become a more hopeful nation. Violent crime rates have fallen to their lowest levels since the 1970s. Welfare cases have dropped by more than half over the past decade. Drug use among youth is down 19 percent since 2001. There are fewer abortions in America than at any point in the last three decades, and the number of children born to teenage mothers has been falling for a dozen years in a row. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Blah blah lies about drug use blah blah blah fudging of numbers blah blah blah (Perfunctory applause.)

These gains are evidence of a quiet transformation -- a revolution of conscience, in which a rising generation is finding that a life of personal responsibility is a life of fulfillment. Government has played a role. Wise policies, such as welfare reform and drug education and support for abstinence and adoption have made a difference in the character of our country. And everyone here tonight, Democrat and Republican, has a right to be proud of this record. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Blah blah blah pat yourselves on the back (Applause.)

Yet many Americans, especially parents, still have deep concerns about the direction of our culture, and the health of our most basic institutions. They're concerned about unethical conduct by public officials, and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage. They worry about children in our society who need direction and love, and about fellow citizens still displaced by natural disaster, and about suffering caused by treatable diseases.

TRANSLATION: Blah blah blah why do Muslims get to be the only religious extremists in the world?

As we look at these challenges, we must never give in to the belief that America is in decline, or that our culture is doomed to unravel. The American people know better than that. We have proven the pessimists wrong before -- and we will do it again. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Seriously, let's bring back some of them cool Old Testament laws. (Applause from all the religious extremists.)

A hopeful society depends on courts that deliver equal justice under the law. The Supreme Court now has two superb new members -- new members on its bench: Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Sam Alito. (Applause.) I thank the Senate for confirming both of them. I will continue to nominate men and women who understand that judges must be servants of the law, and not legislate from the bench. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Alito was a slam-dunk Ha ha ha. Now we can have the court reinterpret "civil rights" into what Alexander Hamilton wanted - nothingness.

Today marks the official retirement of a very special American. For 24 years of faithful service to our nation, the United States is grateful to Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Blah blah blah some chick in a robe blah blah blah (Applause because it's almost over.)

A hopeful society has institutions of science and medicine that do not cut ethical corners, and that recognize the matchless value of every life. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms, creating or implanting embryos for experiments, creating human-animal hybrids, and buying, selling, or patenting human embryos. Human life is a gift from our Creator -- and that gift should never be discarded, devalued or put up for sale. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: Sure, I said I wanted more science, but not the stuff that goes against my extremist, obscurantist religious views.

(Hopeful blather...)

A hopeful society comes to the aid of fellow citizens in times of suffering and emergency -- and stays at it until they're back on their feet. So far the federal government has committed $85 billion to the people of the Gulf Coast and New Orleans. We're removing debris and repairing highways and rebuilding stronger levees. We're providing business loans and housing assistance. Yet as we meet these immediate needs, we must also address deeper challenges that existed before the storm arrived.

TRANSLATION: $85 billion in rigged contracts. More money for my buddies. Ha ha ha.

In New Orleans and in other places, many of our fellow citizens have felt excluded from the promise of our country. The answer is not only temporary relief, but schools that teach every child, and job skills that bring upward mobility, and more opportunities to own a home and start a business. As we recover from a disaster, let us also work for the day when all Americans are protected by justice, equal in hope, and rich in opportunity. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: So help me I don't want all those dusky peoples to start rioting.

A hopeful society acts boldly to fight diseases like HIV/AIDS, which can be prevented, and treated, and defeated. More than a million Americans live with HIV, and half of all AIDS cases occur among African Americans. I ask Congress to reform and reauthorize the Ryan White Act, and provide new funding to states, so we end the waiting lists for AIDS medicines in America. (Applause.) We will also lead a nationwide effort, working closely with African American churches and faith-based groups, to deliver rapid HIV tests to millions, end the stigma of AIDS, and come closer to the day when there are no new infections in America. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: PLEASE DON'T RIOT! I'LL GIVE YOU SOME MONEY! JUST DON'T RIOT!!!

Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite. We see great changes in science and commerce that will influence all our lives. Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, toward an unknown shore. Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing.

TRANSLATION: I'm wrapping up. Haven't referred to Lincoln yet, so maybe you're not so bad off, after all.

Lincoln could have accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery. Martin Luther King could have stopped at Birmingham or at Selma, and achieved only half a victory over segregation. The United States could have accepted the permanent division of Europe, and been complicit in the oppression of others. Today, having come far in our own historical journey, we must decide: Will we turn back, or finish well?

TRANSLATION: BAM! GOTCHA! Referred to Lincoln AND I had the brass to toss in MLK, too. You're all screwed worse than you ever dreamed possible. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. MU HU HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Before history is written down in books, it is written in courage. Like Americans before us, we will show that courage and we will finish well. We will lead freedom's advance. We will compete and excel in the global economy. We will renew the defining moral commitments of this land. And so we move forward -- optimistic about our country, faithful to its cause, and confident of the victories to come.

May God bless America. (Applause.)

TRANSLATION: If there is a God, I'm going straight to hell. I'll take my chances. In the meantime, I'm having one sweet ride at your expense.