Aohell

President Seinfeld

Dick Cheney is the George Costanza of the Bush administration. I realized this as I was watching the television yesterday morning and this bit comes on about a fashion reporter winning a Pulitzer for criticism and I see why... she showed how the personality of politicians was reflected in their clothing. One picture she commented on was of Dick Cheney sitting in a parka, a big, green parka, at a memorial service for the victims of the Auschwitz murder camp.

Everyone else wore dignified black, and there's the George Costanza-equivalent sitting there, clad in green goretex. I could half imagine him responding to his critics, "I was COLD! Last I checked, we were all living in a SOCIETY!"

And then it all clicked for me. Life imitates art and we got us a President Seinfeld here in the US.

Think about it. Jerry Seinfeld was a comic with no acting ability others drafted to head up a television series. George Bush is a businessman with no leadership ability others drafted to head up a major industrialized nation. Jerry gets into all sorts of mishaps because of his friends. Bush gets into similar pickles on account of his friends. Jerry doesn't act as much as he's acted upon in the series. Same for Bush. Seinfeld ran for about eight years, and that's all the seasons we'll have Dubya for.

Beyond the parka at Auschwitz Cheney is George Costanza in so many other ways. He's balding, stocky, short-tempered, abrasive, and gets into so much mischief every time he follows his natural instincts. He dropped the f-bomb on a senator. He had a secret meeting with energy tycoons. He got his old company, Halliburton, a gazillion-dollar contract to rebuild Iraq, bid-free. He shot a guy while hunting. I can imagine some of the conversations President Seinfeld and VP Costanza must have had...

Seinfeld: So you shot a guy.

Costanza: He looked like a turkey.

Seinfeld: Did you tell that to the police?

Costanza: What police? I wasn't gonna call the police!

Seinfeld: But you shot a man!

Costanza: I'm aware of that! But aren't we supposed to cover those things up?

Seinfeld: I dunno...

Costanza: I WANT A COVER-UP! I DEMAND A COVER-UP! (panicking) Jerry! Ya gotta help me! Don't I deserve just a little covering up? After all I've done for you?

Seinfeld: (pauses) All riiiiiiight! But you owe me one!

Costanza: You got it. I owe you one big time.

For the ever-graceful Elaine Benes, we have the ever-graceful Condi Rice. She's perfect for the role. Always overly self-confident and ready to serve her own narrow agenda at the expense of others. She stuck to her guns when she testified to Congress, just like Elaine kept that Orioles cap on in the Yankee owner's seats. I bet she also yells, "Get OUT!" and shoves people over whenever she hears some amazing news. And you know she and Bush must have had some kind of connection, like Elaine and Jerry used to have. And as the White House popularity ratings sink towards single digits, she's gotta be thinking, "I need to find some new friends!"

For our Cosmo Kramer, I present Donald Rumsfeld. Like Kramer, Rumsfeld prefers going by his last name. Like Kramer, Rumsfeld knows how to make a big entrance. Like Kramer, Rumsfeld is able to convince others his visions aren't divorced from reality, but can and will succeed if we all just believe hard enough in them and leave the details to him. Also like Kramer, his plans usually go horribly, horribly wrong.

Kramer: That's the beauty of it, Jerry! We invade Iraq, but we don't need troops!

Seinfeld: I'm not so sure, Kramer.

Kramer: What's there to worry about? We go in, knock a few heads around, set up a friendly government, and then... all that OIL!

Costanza: Come on, Jerry! We can do it! We got marines!

Elaine: Yeah, Jer. I mean, we're the US and they're... IRAQ. Duh!

Costanza: It's a great plan. It's a walk-over!

Kramer: A WALK-OVER! You gotta give me the green light on this, Jerry. It's a great deal!

Jerry: (pause) All right, all riiiiiiight! But, hang on... isn't invading other countries that haven't attacked us... ILLEGAL?

Kramer: Oh you leave that part to me. (makes ka-pow noise with lips) I'm on it right now. (Exits)

Costanza: You gotta love Kramer's enthusiasm. It's contagious!

We all love Kramer's enthusiasm. We also love ol' Rummy's enthusiasm, too. Whenever he's on the teevee, I want to believe him, I really do. Then he goes off and I start to see all the holes in his plans. The reason he hangs out with Cheney, Condi, and Bush is because they're as unable to see the flaws in his schemes just the way Kramer's plots pass muster with Costanza, Elaine, and Seinfeld.

Even the supporting cast matches up with the Bush administration. For Newman, Mr. "pure evil", we have Jack Abramoff. The advice-dispensing waitress from the start of the series who got written out of the series would be none other than Colin Powell. Osama Bin Laden? Crazy Joe Davola. They even have the same number of syllables in their names. "Saddam Hussein" even showed up in an episode, so he can play himself. They're all there, people.

Even the content of the presidency itself mirrors the content of the series. For all the hype and bluster about the Bush administration, for all the entertainment value it's given us, at its core, it's still devoid of actual content. I can't recall any meaningful legislation passed other than the USA-PATRIOT act and the Medicare prescription plan, and both of those are famous boondoggles of gobbledygook. Historians today are preparing to write off Bush as a president who promised much and delivered little.

It's a presidency about nothing, and that's the genius of it all!